I long to be made aware of my significance. Whether in my relationships, my career, even at play I'm always considering my value in the space that I am.
As a recovering co-dependent, I often want to bombard those closest to me with question that will allow them to reiterate their love for me. I imagine it can be hard to love someone that is constantly asking "Do you love me?" 10 days later after a huge fight "Do you still love me?" 1 week later after I drank all of the Kombucha "Do you still love me, now?" This has been the constant state of my relationships and I cringe even writing this. I feel so weak, so needy, and desperate to be of value that even when I am affirmed in it, I can't receive it. This is why, I constantly ask, Do you love me? I do not trust the words of my people, that they truly do. I am always waiting for them to realize how great my flaws truly are, and that is when they will look for the nearest exit from my life.
I've also been doubting if I will ever get better. I have been battling depression since I was 17 and the years have made my soul weary. Tired. I often pray and ask God "Will it always be like this?" Honestly, if it is I just don't know if I can go on. My body physically feels weighed down by the years of sorrow that longs to consume a speck of joy within me.
I'm not a boxer, but I imagine facing my opponent, throwing a left hook here and receiving a jab there... that would be exhausting after 1 hour. My body would physically show bruises, and cuts, and swelling. I would look like a hot mess if I got in the ring with Mike Tyson. Imagine doing this for 16 years.
That is what it feels like to be depressed, yet still love Jesus. It feels like I've been in the ring fighting for my life everyday.
My soul is weary. I've become doubtful in every relationship that I am in. I have become desperate for something... anything to make this shit to go away.
I long for heaven to come on days like this. I long for the damn fight to be over. I long to be set free, to not have to fight anymore. I want to just be.
As a recovering co-dependent, I often want to bombard those closest to me with question that will allow them to reiterate their love for me. I imagine it can be hard to love someone that is constantly asking "Do you love me?" 10 days later after a huge fight "Do you still love me?" 1 week later after I drank all of the Kombucha "Do you still love me, now?" This has been the constant state of my relationships and I cringe even writing this. I feel so weak, so needy, and desperate to be of value that even when I am affirmed in it, I can't receive it. This is why, I constantly ask, Do you love me? I do not trust the words of my people, that they truly do. I am always waiting for them to realize how great my flaws truly are, and that is when they will look for the nearest exit from my life.
I've also been doubting if I will ever get better. I have been battling depression since I was 17 and the years have made my soul weary. Tired. I often pray and ask God "Will it always be like this?" Honestly, if it is I just don't know if I can go on. My body physically feels weighed down by the years of sorrow that longs to consume a speck of joy within me.
I'm not a boxer, but I imagine facing my opponent, throwing a left hook here and receiving a jab there... that would be exhausting after 1 hour. My body would physically show bruises, and cuts, and swelling. I would look like a hot mess if I got in the ring with Mike Tyson. Imagine doing this for 16 years.
That is what it feels like to be depressed, yet still love Jesus. It feels like I've been in the ring fighting for my life everyday.
My soul is weary. I've become doubtful in every relationship that I am in. I have become desperate for something... anything to make this shit to go away.
I long for heaven to come on days like this. I long for the damn fight to be over. I long to be set free, to not have to fight anymore. I want to just be.
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