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Protect your heart

Grief has turned me into a stranger. I look into the mirror and I don't know the person looking back at me. She looks like me, but I don't know her ways. I often feel that I am watching myself on a movie screen as I go about my day. I'm not sure what stage of grief I am in now, but I'm sure there's a sprinkle of anger, depression, and acceptance all mixed into one.

I have come to believe that everyone I love will go away. It doesn't matter how much I think I have loved them they will leave eventually. They may leave willingly which stings something terrible. They may leave unwillingly, because they are no longer living. Either way, they all leave.

Somehow, I want to believe this lie that everyone I love will always stay. I am learning to accept slowly that I can't control anyone but myself, and this means I can't control if someone leaves or stays in relationship with me. 
This often makes me go into self-preservation mode. My thinking goes something like this:
  • Oh wow I really, like this person. We have so much in common
  • I should invite them out for coffee, or to the park
  • oh my goodness I really like talking to this person, they are amazing
  • But what if they don't feel the same way about me?
  • What if they truly find me annoying, what if they stop talking to me?
  • OK... stop hanging out with this person. Delete them from your life, before they do it to you....
I'm sure I have missed out on wonderful friendships protecting myself over the years. Somehow though I think I'm protecting myself I have still managed to be stung by dissolving of various relationships. In the dissolving of each my heart has grieved. This grief has turned me into a bat-shit-cray-cray woman. I literally do exactly what I say I would never do. I say things I never dreamt I would say. and though I disagree with pretty much half of the choices I find myself making... I continue to do them. This must be the beginning of insanity. Maybe I'm already amidst the insane. 

Some of those that have been in my life can pick up on the changes within me. Though, they see a  resiliency within me that I do not yet own. I feel so very weak as I navigate the new normal. 
I am so very weak. I am a baby learning to walk. I stumble. I grab hold of any and everything just to fall down again. One day though, I won't need to grab hold of ANYTHING. One day I will believe the truth that all I need is within me. I won't stumble so much. I won't fall as much either. Somehow, I'll be able to walk. It'll seem like I'm walking on my own, by my own might. 
I wish that day were today. 

Today I am still trying to hold onto things I shouldn't. I hope the things I try to hold onto will strengthen me to stay up, but with time they'll knock me down again. I keep crawling though. I keep fumbling. Praying one day comes quick!

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