Inner Visions

Innervisions album cover

I've never felt colors before. I've seen them with my eyes and marveled at each unique shade. Whether they are bright or dim; colors allow us to express the ways we see the world. Colors allow us a way to see the creativity of God surrounding us.

Today after a rather shitty day with high-highs and low-lows; I seriously met my people quota. This is when an introvert has surpassed the amount of interaction with humans for the day and desperately needs alone time. I came home and told my roommate "I am done with people for the day. I plan to hide from the world." She laughed but I was so serious. 

I honestly had an explosion of emotions stirring inside of me and it felt like I was suffocating trying to contain them. They wanted out but I wanted to remain cool, calm, and not bothered. I was bothered though. I'm usually bothered by something. I may be bothered by the state of world, or the state of my room, but I usually can always sneak a feeling of melancholy in my mood. Welcome to the highs and lows of depression. 
Anyways, I decided there were far too much held within me that had piled up from the week, from the month, and from the previous year. So much so that I couldn't even convince my eyes to release the river that ached to pour out. I don't know about you, but crying is a way that my body can begin to deal with the many emotions I may be dealing with at one time, which is usually a lot. Welcome to the life of an individualist. I couldn't EVEN cry today from feeling so overwhelmed and plagued by shame. So I thought, maybe I could write this feeling away. I went out to the backyard with my journal and just attempted to breathe and just be. As soon as the pen hit the paper I felt a fraction lighter. DAMN! I still felt like I had every emotion in the entire world drowning me in that moment. I couldn't even write anymore. 

I prayed and asked God to help me to organize my feelings. Help me to process them one-by-one. I asked God, the maker of all emotions to take all of mine away, if only for a day. I wondered Am I going crazy?... yup today is the day I have lost it... finally. I couldn't run from myself. I had to sit there in the midst of being uncomfortable. I lit a candle in my room, put on my headphones and found Stevie Wonder's album on Spotify. I love Stevie Wonder, but I'll admit I have never listened to an entire album of his before tonight. 

Don't kill me Stevie fans.

I was inspired by an IG post to listen to 'Innervisions' and had no expectations.

I could feel the the base guitar being picked in the studio from 1973. I could envision the hard hats and snares being aggressively slapped yet subtle burst of whispers. I was entranced from Too High, the first song off the album. The blend of voices singing do-do-do encapsulated me with a sense of euphoria.  Stevie doesn't even say a word until 0:00:31 seconds. LET THAT SINK IN. Though the production was ahhhmaaazzzing... the song itself had a rather sad story to me. 

She's the girl in her life

But her world's a superficial paradise

She had a chance to make it big more than once or twice

But no dice

Amber

 I interpreted this song as the inner struggles of addiction, and even the self-sabbotage what comes from decisions we make. There's a  sense of sadness for the what could've been's when we seek to numb our pain with SOMETHING...ANYTHING. I really loved it. If I could give this song a color it would be amber. The sweet taste of warmth. With a sting of burning fire.

Then the acoustic guitar is being strummed by Dean Parks and I smile to myself with my eyes closed. I know this song. I've heard this song before. But it was different. It was Ginuwine's version of it, and now that's I've heard the original, I fell in love. The keys and electric as well as acoustic guitar came together for a soulful-beach night in Florida-chill-ballad. 

"Have I lived to see the milk and honey land?

Where hates a dream and love forever stands

Or is this a vision in my mind?"

Then the acoustic guitar progresses again, just like the intro. This song had to be played at least twice in a row for me. Once just to hear, see, and feel the production of the instruments. Like... Stevie Wonder made me feel colors y'all. Plus the imagery of the lyrics, I just about cried by the end of the song. I was no longer overwhelmed or even worried about what transpired before this. I was entranced in this moment. Visions made me feel Sky blue. The flowing of the guitar, and the imagery of Stevie's lyrics made me feel like I was flying.

sky blue

By the end of the entire album I felt lighter. The situations that triggered my anxiety had not changed but my reaction had and that was just as nice. That's what music is suppose to do. It should lift you out of this world and submerge you into a new one. I feel that each song Stevie wrote, produced, and played every damn instrument on is a gift that he shares with us. We are given his vulnerability, his heart, and the ways that he feels. 

Frost blue. Lavender. Crimson. As you read them, I imagine that you are envisioning each individual shade in your mind. Tonight, in the midst of an emotional storm, I had the experience of feeling the warmth of amber, and lightness of the sky...blue.  Thank you for shifting my inner vision tonight.